In school I learned some of the basics of negotiating - anchoring, having a reservation price, understanding the bargaining range, focusing on interests vs positions, separating people from the problem, distributive vs integrative negotiation. etc. Each week we staged a negotiation and tried to implement some of these concepts. I think I did okay in the course but there was one tactic that I didn't use much. I call it the Audrey method although it's probably more apropos to call it the Toddler method, and it is used by stating something like the following:
"I really, really, REALLY want that!"
Audrey, being 3, hasn't had the life experience or benefit of school to put the above concepts to use so she resorts to the one method she knows - (i) escalating emphasis on the word "really" followed by (ii) a tantrum if the outcome doesn't match her desires. Sometimes, "Please, please, PLEASE" gets added in there before the tantrum part.
Generally what she's getting after is sugar, staying up later or sleeping in mommy's and daddy's bed instead of her own. A recent variation on the sugar thing is throat lozenges (she calls them cough drops) - she got a taste of a cherry-flavored one the other day and now associates them with candy. Here's a conversation we had the other day to the best of my recollection:
A: (very politely) "Daddy, can I have a cough drop?"
D: "No, you may not. Cough drops are medicine and are only used when you are sick."
A: "But I really want a cough drop - my tummy hurts..."
D: "Your tummy hurts? All of a sudden? Where?"
A: "Right here, Daddy." (pointing)
D: "Why don't you lay down here on the couch? Cough drops aren't going to help your tummy."
A: "But I really want a cough drop!"
D: "Cough drops aren't for your tummy, they're for your throat or if you're coughing. Is your throat sore?"
A: (pauses, thinking) "Yeah..."
D: "So your throat is sore and your tummy hurts?"
A: "Yes Daddy."
D: "We'd better go to the doctor then - she'll need to take a look at you and give you some medicine and maybe a shot. Should we go now?"
A: "Noooo!" (shakes her head) "Can't I just have a cough drop?"
D: "No."
A: (suddenly, after more back and forth) "My tummy feels better Daddy. But I still need a cough drop."
D: "No, you're not sick."
A: "But I really really want one!" (face starts to crinkle up)
D: "Audrey, what did I just say?"
A: (ignoring the question) "I really really REALLY want one Daddy!"
D: "Let's focus on something else, okay?"
A: (tantrum ensues)
As you can see, in this scenario she has ignored each of the fundamental negotiation concepts I outlined above:
Anchoring - she might have started out by asking me for a bag of cough drops at first instead of just one (although I doubt that would have changed the outcome in this case).
Reservation price - she could have considered something worth less to her than a cough drop (e.g. some other perk or treat) that would have still been acceptable to her.
Understanding the bargaining range - the cough drop was outside my range, and getting nothing was outside hers. Perhaps she should have considered asking for something like a mint or a Skittle - again, something at or above her Reservation price.
Separating people from the problem - impossible. We're talking about a 3-year-old.
Distributive vs integrative negotiation - her approach to the negotiation was distributive (i.e. a win-it-all approach). An integrative (or "expanding the pie") approach would have considered meeting her needs as well as my own (mine are as simple - for example, offering to draw me a picture for my office wall) to make both of us better off.
In a sense, though, "really really REALLY" is far more direct and probably less manipulative than the stuff above which is why I can appreciate it. Not to mention it's all my wife and I can expect from a toddler.
As smart as Audrey is, pretty soon she'll be weaving circles around us, probably as Grace starts to use the Toddler method. And after that I expect they'll both conspire against us, and then we're in trouble.
